The Emotional Ramifications of “I told you so”: Why this classic response is unproductive

The temptation is almost unbearable. A family member has done something ill-advised. A colleague messed something up badly. There are so many situations when it is so easy to say “I told you so.”

What situations provoke this comment? Here are some scenarios: An opportunity is lost because someone didn’t check their email when you repeatedly suggested they do so. Despite multiple warnings, a loved one was scammed by a spam phone call. Your partner forgot a needed item for their work get-together, even though you cued them to bring it. A lot of people, including mental health providers, would say these are wonderful opportunities for “natural” consequences, such as being late to school and receiving a tardy slip. But is that the stance a friend or a family member benefits from the most?

When someone makes a careless or costly mistake, this may be the time when they most need support and least need judgement. They already know the lesson. Hopefully, they learned it from the experience, even if it required multiple repetitions. Saying “I told you so” won’t make the lesson sink in more deeply. What is beneficial in these situations is somebody who loves them, even if what they did seemed avoidable or careless.

Why is it so important to eschew these tempting responses to a family member, friend, or colleague? Because they do nothing to help the other person. However, this behavior does have some consequences.

1. It reduces your own anxiety because, in so boldly stating that it was a foolish thing to do, you reassure yourself that it wouldn’t happen to you in the same way.
2. It tells both you and the other person that you would not make the same error.
3. It tells the other person that you lack empathy, and perhaps are annoyed by their behavior.
4. It tells the other person that you think they may deserve the outcome they received as a natural outcome for their error.
5. It tells the other person that you don’t feel responsible for helping them, at least not in a nonjudgmental way.
6. It inspires shame in the recipient and may promote avoidance of interactions with you when you may judge.

Why is it so important to avoid “I told you so”? Imagine you have made an error. Let’s say you fell for a scam and lost several hundred dollars. Already someone has hurt you, the scammer. You didn’t do anything intentionally wrong. Someone who makes it their business, and has lots of expertise at it, has found a way to fool you. Almost everyone who has fallen for a scam, for example, feels foolish and embarrassed. If the friend you tell starts a series of questions, they are going down the alley of trying to make the point that you should have seen through it…but you already know that. If they express annoyance, that just makes you feel worse.

What can you do when confronted with situations that tempt you to profess “I told you so”?

1. Express empathy. “I am so sorry that happened to you.” “That is so frustrating.”
2. Remove the shame and blame. In the case of a scam, the fault lies with the scammer, not the person scammed. In most situations, when you want to say “I told you so” the person did not intentionally do anything wrong. Even when the error wasn’t a scam, such as missing an email, it wasn’t done intentionally.
3. Spend some time nonjudgmentally listening. This means paying attention to the person speaking, with eye contact and affirming gestures, asking relevant questions, and summarizing the person’s main points. Most importantly this active listening happens with critical comments or questions.
4. Return the person’s sense of agency which is often jeopardized in challenging situations such as these. “What can you do to make it better?” Don’t completely take over for them. They have to reestablish themselves as a capable person who will prevent such events from recurring in the future. “I bet you won’t fall for that again.” “I bet you will be careful to avoid that mistake in the future.” Part of agency can be the lessons learned.
5. Put it in perspective. Will this mistake be relevant in a week? A month? A year? Five years? Was there irreparable harm, or can there be some sort of solution?
6. Offer to be part of figuring out a solution. And, when appropriate, offer to help in material ways with your time, interest, and resources.
7. How about dealing with one’s own anger and frustration? I think that is often the source of the “I told you so.” Though it is reasonable to feel frustrated, keep in mind the utility of empathic communication and frustration tolerance.

The biggest concern is getting in touch with your own feelings about such situations. Remember how it felt to you when someone met your mistake, or fallibility, with judgement as opposed to when they met it with nonjudgmental kindness and an action plan. My guess is if you can remember the difference between these responses, and what it really felt like, you will never say “I told you so” again.