The Perils of Having a Perfect Parent

Who would have thought that having a “perfect parent” would be a liability? And, if you doubt that there is such a thing as a perfect parent, so did I until I met her! In the group practice where I worked as an early career child psychologist, we had a weekly team meeting where we discussed new referrals. I was assigned a teen girl whose presenting problem was that her mother was “too perfect.” There was raucous laughter in this usually dour meeting where major mental illness, depression, and trauma were the regular fare. “What’s the real problem?” My colleagues asked. They suspected we would uncover something truly awful upon meeting this family. After all, who comes to therapy because they have a perfect mom?

I will introduce you, with no identifying details (unless being perfect makes a reader know who they are!), to this mom and daughter through the recounting of their therapy sessions. Working with these two clarified for me the ways that parenting perfection can both manifest positive traits in a child and cause some problems. Their situation also reminded me of the gift of imperfection. Many parents I work with want to parent “perfectly,” and this story is a reminder to be careful what we wish for and to recognize that “perfect” may not be what we want to strive for.

I started my first meeting with the mom and daughter with a great deal of suspicion about their “too-perfect problem,” which led to a need for therapy. As they began to talk, I soon recognized the truth of the referral reason. The mother was beautiful, smart, and kind. She almost never got angry or frustrated. She could help her child in every school subject at the high school level. She was never late picking up her daughter from activities and was always on-time for appointments. She always talked to her daughter when needed and never pried, snooped, or nagged. Even now, almost thirty years later, I have never met anyone else like this mom: A perfect parent, right?

For those of you who may wonder or doubt, no, she was not overinvolved in her daughter’s life. Instead, she set boundaries and encouraged her daughter to be independent as much as would be reasonable for a teenager. Though confidentiality prevents me from writing anything that would identify this family, I can honestly say there were no surprises or hidden problems that I could uncover. This mom made virtually no parenting mistakes and listened to and valued her daughter unconditionally, seemingly “in tune” with the younger generation. Yet this “perfection” truly caused problems for her teenage daughter once I dug below the surface.

What perils did this perfection cause her daughter?

• The daughter had never coped with parental anger and, therefore, had trouble coping with anger from her friends and classmates.
• She was terrified that she would not be successful without her mom at college.
• Her biggest worry was that there was nothing she could improve on in her own life since she believed she could never meet the high bar set by her mother.

I am very grateful to have met this mom and her daughter so early in my career. The first thing I learned was that it is nearly impossible to achieve actual perfection in parenting. Though this mom certainly came close, as it is a very rare phenomenon to be able to follow all of the demands required to do parenting well, much less perfectly. I believe it was close to possible with this duo because they both were blessed by biology and life’s good fortunes, with more than enough resources, including money, a wonderful home in a quiet and safe community, above-average intelligence, good health, no trauma history, placid temperaments, and time, as the mom’s work was parenting her children. Most people do not get this situation in their parenting. It was easy to see why most people can’t and shouldn’t be expected to be “perfect.”

Benefits of Imperfection

This case also highlighted for me that there are benefits in imperfection, at least to a point. When I arrived almost an hour late to pick up my daughter from a dance class, she learned that she could survive such an error. Other parents stepped up and watched her, thank goodness, and we made friends and exchanged favors going forward based on our shared needs and imperfections. Kids learn as much from our mistakes as from their own, especially when they are recognized and efforts are made to improve. So do not seek perfection with your children or yourself. Most beneficial human change happens in unexpected, original, beautiful, and, yes, in imperfect ways.

So, what happened with this mother and daughter in their family therapy? With all of their resources and motivation to solve their problems, the daughter and mother talked, practiced, and tolerated minor parental “errors” (exposure for the daughter), and resolved this problem in a short-term therapy, launching the daughter to a successful freshman year in college. They were both also nearly perfect in their execution of the recommended strategies, leading to a good outcome. After all, the daughter, even in trying to deal with her mother’s perfection, continued to reap the benefits of her nearly perfect mom.

To learn more about how to thoughtfully parent, visit our website at www.aligningforgrowth.com or read our book: Working with Parents in Child Psychotherapy.

Author biography: Elisa Bronfman and Johanna D. Sagarin are the authors of Working with Parents in Child Psychotherapy. Elisa Bronfman is a staff psychologist at Boston Children’s Hospital and an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. She is also the first author of AMBIANCE, a research tool used to assess parent-infant attachment. Johanna Sagarin served as a vice-president in a community mental health agency for over 15 years and is now a professor of practice at Assumption University. They both have thriving private practices.