So You Want to go Out to Dinner as a Family

You used to love going out to eat. You know relationships change once kids come along (Doss & Rhoades, 2017). You’ve managed some date nights since then. You lined up the babysitter and went to your favorite spots. You had a nice meal and tried not to worry about what potential chaos would be waiting for you when you got home. Wouldn’t it be great to go out together as a family?

Well…maybe not so much. Looking back at the first attempted family night out, what didn’t go wrong? When you tried to visit that new Indian spot down the street, none of the kids liked the options on the menu. They were arguing with each other over something ridiculous. It took so long for food to come out that you couldn’t even blame the kids for misbehaving. Not only did they argue with each other, but they argued with you. When they got tired of arguing they crawled under the table, even as you pleaded with them to sit nicely. You are not sure if other diners were glaring at you and your family because you could not bring yourself to glance up and check. That first big dinner out was not an experience you want to repeat!

You might feel like this was inevitable, as you brought your young children, or your particularly spirited children, out to a public restaurant. But does it have to be that way? Is it worth trying again? It will be worth it if you, proactively, do what you can to set up the family outing for success. While we can’t plan for everything, planning ahead can make a difference (Aspinwall, 1998). We find that these ideas, which include both problem solving and strategies to manage one’s internal experience (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984), help parents navigate family dinners and similar outings in public spaces.

Dinner Out Tips 101

Here are some helpful tips:

Look at the menu ahead of time. With many restaurants offering online menu previews, it’s worth it to sit down with your children before you go out and see what they might be interested in ordering. Think about how adventurous your children are when it comes to food. You want this experience to be a success. It is not about you having a perfect fine dining experience. It is about the family having a nice night out. So, will there be food that will appeal to everyone? Is this a chance to let the kids experiment with food outside of their comfort zone, or is this not the night for that?
Don’t worry about “healthy.” Maybe a fun meal out, when your focus is on the possibility of just going out as a family, having someone else cook, and enjoying each other, is not the night to worry as much about nutrition. Perhaps you can let the fruit and vegetable requirement go for the evening if that is likely to cause a fuss and focus on making memories.
Plan for waiting and down time. There is often a wait time at a sit down restaurant, whether it’s upfront or for the meal itself. Will they bring rolls, appetizers, or rice quickly?
What are you bringing that will keep the children entertained? Coloring books and crayons, puzzles, songs (remember “Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?”), books, fidget toys, and other small toys that will not interfere with other diners’ experiences can help pass the time until there is food on the table.
Keep expectations reasonable. Do not plan to sit quietly at the table, having a lovely adult conversation with your partner, as your children color. You will need to actively manage the children during the meal. Can one parent walk around outside with a child while waiting for food? Would that make things easier? Will you get home early enough for the regular nighttime routine so that going out to eat does not become disruptive? Remember, your goal is a successful evening out and nothing more.
Some children have no problem with changes in routine. Others have a much harder time. If your child falls into the latter category, factor that in so that you don’t have the experience of having a nice dinner out but then setting the stage for a horrible evening after.
Timing is everything. Well, not everything, but important! When do your children eat dinner on a normal night? Can you be at the restaurant a bit before regular meal time so that the kids eat at their usual dinner time? Or are the schedule, and the child, flexible enough to allow for variation? Every child is different but try to keep timing in mind when planning.
Don’t forget the debrief. Use the “post-game” time to process how it went. What went well? What did not and could be planned for differently next time? Take time to reflect not only with your partner or spouse, if they are involved, but also with the kids themselves. Ask them what they may have liked or disliked about the experience.

For many families this is do-able. Remember that every child is different and every family dynamic is unique. Be proactive, manage expectations, and enjoy your French fries!

For other ideas on managing difficult situations, see our other blog posts.

To learn more about ideas for parenting, visit our website at www.aligningforgrowth.com or read our book: Working with Parents in Child Psychotherapy*.*

Author biography: Johanna D. Sagarin and Elisa Bronfman are the authors of Working with Parents in Child Psychotherapy. Johanna Sagarin served as a vice-president in a community mental health agency for over 15 years and is now a professor of practice at Assumption University. Elisa Bronfman is a staff psychologist at Boston Children’s Hospital and an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. She is also the first author of AMBIANCE, a research tool used to assess parent-infant attachment. Both have thriving private practices.

References

Aspinwall, L. G. (1998). Where Planning Meets Coping: Proactive Coping and the Detection and Management of Potential Stressors. In S. L. Friedman & E K. Scholnick (Eds.), The developmental psychology of planning: Why, how, and when do we plan? (pp. 285-321). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.

Doss, B. D. & Rhoades, G. K. (2017). The transition to parenthood: impact on couples’ romantic relationships. Current opinion in Psychology, 13, 25-28. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.003

Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, appraisal, and coping. New York, NY: Springer Press.